Thank God for Craptastic Nirvana Covers

To the band Animal Collective, thank you SO FUCKING MUCH for destroying Nirvana's "Polly" and making me laugh my ass off. I was driving home from work, suffering a bit of depression from fucking having my period, and was listening to the local college radio.

30 minutes ago...

"Maybe she would like more food
She asked me to untie her
A chase would be nice for a few"

What the shit? This sounds hella familiar. It sounds a lot like that "Polly" song. But what the fuck is it with this guy's voice? Then the chorus comes. HOLY FUCK. It is that song.

"She caught me off my guaaaaraaaard"

HAHAHA, this is the WORST FUCKING COVER SONG ever made. This sounds even worse than Guitar Hero II's version of Nirvana's "Heart-Shaped Box" and that was just horrible. Seriously.

AAAH HE SOUNDS LIKE A DRUNK ADAM SANDLER SINGING!!!

I just can't stop laughing, though. It's amazing how bad this cover song is...

Using Google, I got the mp3 for it. I'm still laughing.

Anyone else know of any bad cover songs?

Hey God?

It's almost 4 AM and I still haven't ventured on into the sweet, lush meadows of sleep. Blogging just seems so much more interesting right now, and what better to pass the time than to try to answer some questions intended for atheists?

Lo and behold, I have found Questions for God instead! These questions are so inane, so stupid, that I can't believe atheists would write them.

Why do you let your followers murder and rape us? Why do you let your Catholic priests sodomize our precious children? I think it's safe to say that we really don't like this. Isn't your Catholic hierarchy hand chosen by you from the top down? Are you afraid to admit to making a mistake in your choices? Can you please admit the mistake and let our children grow up in a normal, ethical and safe environment?

Honey, they murder and rape everybody, not just you because you're special. Catholic priests and nuns sexually molest children because they are sexually repressed, crazy, and they're human beings like everyone else who's fucked up in this world. To explain why they're crazy, I read in a Playboy magazine that there was a nun who raped a young girl to "get the devil out of her." Anyway, what are YOUR children (supposedly atheist children) doing around Catholic priests? These questions are so stupid.

Why do you make your followers suffer so much? Why do they die at the hands of other religions? Can't you put a stop to this? You're omnipotent, right? Can you 'show us your stuff'? Why do you let all those Church buses crash? Why do you let all your religious followers die in plane crashes, terrorist attacks, car accidents, famines, floods, hurricanes, tornados, etc.? Is this part of 'Your Plan'? If you needed more Angels or something, why didn't you just create more Angels? Why do you cause so much pain down here? Are you sadistic?

Everyone suffers, believers and nonbelievers alike. If people stopped dying, then no one would be going to heaven or hell, would they? People have to die sometime, otherwise our world would be more overpopulated than it already is. And fuck this Angel shit. Also, pain is a natural part of life - without it, you wouldn't get to fully appreciate joy. As for that last part, of course God is a sadist. He likes watching the nonbelievers burn.

Links to read when I've had sleep:
Atheism 101
Answers to 11 Questions for Atheists

Dinner with an Online Date

Online dating. No matter what you think about it, your experiences with it or your non-experiences with it, there is no denying that online dating has become part of the American way of life.

You can't get a date or someone to suck your dick? Look online. Either there's someone just as desperate as you, someone who's looking to score money quickly, or someone working for Dateline's To Catch a Predator.

Of course there are problems. There are people who pose as someone else. There are people you can't trust and who will only use you. There are perverts everywhere.

So what about those people who actually do find love?

Online dating has never really been safe. You have no guarantee that the person you've been talking to is actually who he or she says. How can you be sure that the photos they sent you really are of them, and not some friend or random person?

Introducing Dinner with an Online Date. Intended for those who don't want a webcam or are too poor/scared of meeting their love in real life.

I'm proposing the idea of a chain of restaurants that caters to people who date online. Tables for two all over the place, soft music, impeccably dressed waiters...everything that makes a fancy restaurant what it is. The only difference is that at each table for two, one of the seats is occupied by a monitor with a webcam attached.

Let's say that a woman sits down across from this monitor. Her date, who lives in a different city and quite possibly a different state, but at the same restaurant, is being displayed on the monitor across from her. Where he is, he's seeing her on the monitor. They can converse in real time, eat dinner together, and see how the other person behaves in real life. Sorry, no masks allowed.

Would this actually work? Perhaps. Would there still be perverted liars who would try to use this service to their advantage? Most probably, but it would add at least some kind of security to online dating. Would I actually open up a business like this? Hell no, but if someone is crazy enough to get it started, reserve me a table.

God is in my pants

God is everywhere. God is in the trees, in the water, in the dog that's taking a shit on your lawn (God is in that shit too), in your butt and most DEFINITELY in my pants. Only God knows what he's doing there, but his existence in my pants makes me uncomfortable.

Who would want someone older than the universe in their pants? That's the ultimate example of pedophilia if you ask me and it's hella creepy. The worst thing is that you can't see Him. He's invisible. And He's touching me...but only if you believe in Him.

Stop believing! He will touch your children in their most private places! He will touch your spouse when no one is looking! No one can stop Him except you if you stop believing!

Unless of course, you like being groped by an invisible pedophile.

We're all gay deep inside

Since I am the only person in my family who has the afternoon free from work or any real responsibility, I have the privilege of driving my little sister home from her school, which is sixteen miles away. I also get to drive two of her friends with us. All of them are high school freshmen and their conversations are usually about their classes, their friends (and the inevitable gossip of who's dating who), sex, and then ADD kicks in and they start making fun of people in adjacent cars while I'm driving.

To put things simply, they talk a lot of shit.

Every once in a while, they'll talk about the many gays and lesbians they have in their school. My high school had a good number of GLBT (well, not so many of the T) people, many of whom were my friends and a few that I dated, so I'm not exactly as straight as most people believe me to be.

Anyway, I'm driving these high school freshmen for sixteen miles, which is approximately 45 minutes. It's bearable most of the time, but there are moments where I have to listen to them talk about how disgusting all of these gay people are.

Yes, homophobia is still alive! Praise the lord! MAY ALL who are gay, who abort their unborn babies, and who engage in doggy-style sex BURN IN HELL! Amen and hallelujah!

*cough cough*

One of these girls seems to be vehemently against gay people. I remember when I started driving these girls, that this particular one would talk about gay pride a lot of the time. It was sort of like she was saying, "Oh, gay pride is cool!" when I heard her talk about it. And now? She says, "Lesbians are nasty!" "I saw these two girls kissing in the hallway. It was gross." "Eeew, gay people!"

It makes me sad to know that my sister's friends act this way...only because they can't admit this fact to themselves: All of us (e.g. you, me, President Bush, etc.) are gay.

Deny it all you want.